Before deciding to write this post, I was actually in a pretty bad shape. And before I go on, you must know that writing is one of my most effective ways to get out of my head so that I actually resolve problems and come to a conclusion instead of ruminating all day.
I was shutting down completely (not intentionally) due to all the texts and e-mails that I have participate in to discuss the 1001 things about the wedding that I have to decide. Instant messages are hard enough for me, let alone multiple communication channels that notify you constantly on different apps and different devices.
I’ll never be as good at multitasking as my fiance is, which is why I tend to keep my phone on vibrate to keep my focus on one activity at a time. I know this doesn’t make me the most sought-after person of the crop when you live in a world where you’re expected to be available for everyone anywhere, anytime. I thought only God can do that, but now most people I know do so without much difficulty. I, however, can live without my phone for a week and I’ll still come out alive. After all, back before the smartphone days, we were only using our phones for making emergency calls.
Communication systems are just the beginning of the story. Like I said, there are about 1001 decisions to make when you’re planning a wedding. To be fair, this wedding will be nothing compared to the usual ones you go where the bride refused to limit herself with her options at hand. If a vendor isn’t perfect, she’ll usually just keep looking until she finds the “it” vendor. To reduce the headache, I opted out so, so much to steer clear of hassle. Besides, I didn’t have a particular picture1 of what my dream wedding is supposed to look like to begin with, so there’s no particular standard to follow.
But at this point, I’m thoroughly overwhelmed. Every fiber of my body just wants to cancel everything we’ve prepped so far and go right ahead into married life just by signing the legal docs – no weddings, no bridal showers, no nothing. After all, it’s all I wanted – a new home to build together with my future spouse where we’ll have a cute little Frenchie running around the house and healthy, happy children to play with it. I’ve been yearning to create a safe haven where my spouse would know he is fully supported and feel he can always return to with my watering and nurturing this Eden. It’s all I want – a new life where I take good care of someone I love and everything else that we love together. Even though yes, I have Cinderella Jimmy Choos to dream about and Elie Saab gown to fantasize myself wearing, none of those matter as much as my actual dream: To happily face life’s ups and downs together ever after.
During the first few weeks after I got engaged, I even made a point to my fiance that I take a higher priority in home-hunting than the wedding. Even the honeymoon takes a spot above the wedding. I know from seeing friends planning their weddings years ahead that it’s going to be super hectic, and that was why we decided from the start to invest a lot in a good wedding organizer (WO). Right now, I dare say that my WO cares more about the wedding than I do. Instead of using my hours to Google inspirations for the gown I need, I spent those hours looking for the type of Frenchie I want (the same goes for interior ‘zines instead bridal mags). I don’t care how long it will take, but I know I must have the safe haven I pictured in my head and the Frenchie on my lap.
No control anyway
But when it comes to the wedding, in extreme brutal honesty, I just wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. As much as I enjoy being the center of attention like the next girl, as the wedding day looms I cannot imagine myself on the spotlight for longer than 3 hours. I imagine myself needing bouts of 30 minutes every couple of hours or so to be by myself, just getting some air and not having to make any dreadful small talks. If I have complete control over this wedding2 , I’d be having far less guests than what it’s really going to become later. I went into wedding organizing thinking I have that much control until we throw in family into the picture. I even feel extremely guilty to my mother and my fiance’s mother that I don’t care about the wedding as much as they do. They think about it so much more than I do, and with every conversation, it takes all my might to hold back from saying, “I don’t know, why don’t you decide?”
The other day, I tried opening up to my mom about how I feel about the wedding plans so far (she was constantly asking which gown I like best and for me to think as carefully as I can), and I told her I’ll just pick once and for all that day. I don’t want to think about the gown anymore, and no, I don’t want to take my own sweet time because there are more things to oversee besides the gown, such as invitation, decoration, the types of flowers, the taste of cake, placement of props, the souvenirs, the food, canapes, seating arrangements, toasts, entertainment, sound, lighting adjustments, emcee’s tone, videography, the photographers, and so on and so forth. And that’s the core of the problem: I think of all this wedding stuff as one big urgent checklist to tick off.
Is something wrong with me?
“Why are you like this? You shouldn’t feel like this. You should be all smiles and happily planning your wedding!” my mom exclaimed. With that, I revealed no further of how I truly feel, and for the past few days I’ve been feeling increasingly pressured than ever to be the bride who’s happy to have all eyes on her. I can’t blame her (and my fiance’s mom as well) for her enthusiasm. After all, my fiance and I are the first in our respective families to get married. Yet I’ve neither known nor heard of any woman in my life who devotes such little mental and emotional capacity to her own wedding like I do, which was what’s paralyzing me the most … before I reached for the Internet in hopes that bride-to-bes who feel as overwhelmed as I feel actually exist.
Thank Jesus I found Kelly’s blog post on wedding planning tips for the highly-sensitive person and introverts. Just knowing there are actually people out there who feels the way that I feel is comforting. It’s not the first time in my life where I feel like I’m borderline abnormal, because don’t we all feel a little different as a teenager? Yet this time it really worries me, so much that I often think that there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I groan every time I’m inquired to elaborate on the aesthetic details of my wedding cake, as a centerpiece or not, and what I really want to talk about more is my future marriage life and the home environment I’m going to create for my family. I simply don’t have the capacity to care because at the end of the day, we’re talking budgeting here, and I hate to say this is just a one-night party, but stripped off its lavishes, a wedding is a party – one where we celebrate our happiness with loved ones – that’s it. Not that my fiance limits us in any way with the vendors we end up choosing because he absolutely doesn’t, but to me, the night will be next to nothing compared to the lifetime of happiness he and I are going to embark upon soon. I thought, we can allocate those money for bigger and more lasting future investments instead.
As D-Day’s quickly approaching, all I want to do is cover my face under my pillows and let my WO and the mothers decide everything. I can’t imagine how unbearable it will be to have to be in the spotlight for 24 hours. At the end of the day, our wedding planning always involves me asking my fiance for what I really want during the wedding: “Can I just stay close behind you the whole time?”
So please tell me … is it just me, or have you or your bride-to-be friend ever felt this way?
via Burnetts Boards
- actually, any picture at all [↩]
- I went into planning the wedding thinking that every decision me and my fiance will make will be fully ours. It’s our wedding after all. But no – we will be having an Asian wedding, and with respect to the traditions and its culture of collectivism (versus the Western’s individualism), family members do have a say on what they need and want to have in the wedding. [↩]